A Husband and Father

The Highest Branch on The Apple Tree

Posted by The Author , Thursday, June 3, 2010 9:11 PM

Quotations centered on the page are from the song "Everything is good for you" by Crowded House. The video can be found at the bottom of the post. 

My biggest problem with spiritualism in general and religion specifically is not so much what I believe, but the perception that my beliefs are not welcome by those around me. Though I have spent my entire thinking life searching for the barest spark of faith via educating myself on all major world's religions, aboriginal and tribal practices along side modern physics, science and cosmology, the fact remains that I come from a Catholic family who has never made a practice of discussing religion let alone spirituality. As a member of my family once told me "You are Catholic no matter what you think. " My retort of "I'm a thinker, therefore not a Catholic." was not greeted with any kind of appreciation. To be honest, I might have been a little militant and pushy in the past when it came to trying to enlighten others. The fact is that I was jealous of anyone who could look me in the eye and say that had "faith", but oh how I love to argue... Adam Clayton of the band U2 said it best;

"There are some people who say you shouldn't mix politics and music, sports and politics. Well... I think that's kinda bullshit!"

Maybe it has something to do with maturity but I find myself less and less concerned with espousing my beliefs whether they be Political, Religious or what have you. I do get pulled in by what I believe are points of contention, inaccurate reports or vague declarations of right and wrong, but as the days go by I am less and less concerned. I'm learning to let the bait swim on by without offering so much as a nibble.


So, I had just finished watching the monologue and I was in an unusually positive mood. I felt vindicated, yet, not spiteful in any way. Someone else felt as I did, suffered the same doubts and though we reached an ultimately different conclusion, it was similar enough to lend me some solace. I made my way into the kitchen to clean up some orphaned dishes and begin preparing dinner before the family got home. I put some old favorite songs (Recurring Dream; the very best of Crowded House)  onto the kitchen iPod. As I began to unload and then reload the dishwasher, hand wash some pieces etc. the song I've been quoting throughout this post came on. As I sang the line "All paths lead to the same conclusion..." a warm feeling washed over me. It was okay to feel the way I did. I could be proud of my journey without trying to change other people's feelings (I've never really done that though I have interrogated a few believers hoping they would give up their secrets). I would not advertise my heresy, if pressed, I would merely say that I was not practicing (as I've said in the past) if pressed further I would state that my beliefs were personal. I had divested myself of the argument. I was free.

That lasted for about ten seconds. That is when the thought of my children came up. My wife and I were both raised Catholic. We have both received five of the seven sacraments save Holy Orders (six for me since I was administered Extreme Unction as an infant). I wont discuss my wife's religious proclivities but suffice to say she is far more Catholic than  I. As far as introducing our children to Catholicism, we are not regular church goers. The Wife and the girls go when Grandma is town, when we are back east visiting and we attend locally on the big holidays. Rosie has attended a bible camp and will soon be starting catechism to begin her own climb up the sacramental ladder. I've always been okay with that. There has always existed a bit of a detente in regards to religion and the kids. My feelings are known by The Wife, but we have a bit of an unspoken agreement; I don't have to put too much effort toward ensuring their dogmatic indoctrination but I don't get to sabotage it either.

True Family

Posted by The Author , Saturday, May 22, 2010 1:38 AM

Please pardon this rant. I was recently reminded of a challenge to my personal definition of how certain family members should be titled via a popular social networking medium. Put in plain English, I stated in a public electronic forum that certain blood relations were of a closer specified relation than blood would allow.

Why did I do this? Why would I do this?

Answered simply;

1. I did it because it was right to do.
2. I did it because I meant it.

Shall I be even more specific?  Ok... I said on Facebook that my nieces were my sisters and I stand by the fact that... they are.

Being a brother, sister etc is a privilege. Not a right. Blood means that someone shared parentage, but does not ensure, engender or guarantee loyalty. This is not a hypothesis. This is not a Theory. This is a fact.

How do I know? Empirical evidence my friend. It has been proven. By action on the part of some and lack of action of others time and time again.

Family, loyalty and love are not a game. Score is not kept, tallies are not settled. Family, loyalty and love are silent wars of attrition where only those who's mettle is true and love is real survive. It is not a popularity contest.

Therefore today I step off the high road. This is not to say that I will bow to ruder tactics or nasty double entendre to seek out revenge upon those who disagree... no, I merely disavow myself of the argument.

You see, I live a professional life where thousands of men and women are my brothers and sisters. We call each other such to each others faces on a daily basis. We have bonded so via common experience, shared code and moral value. It is a choice we have made.

What I share with the young ladies in question; My sisters, is something even greater. Not only did blood, relation and circumstance push us toward another, diversity, distance and strife could not and will not keep us apart...

This is the part in the conversation where I sigh, look down at the ground and give it just one last try...

I love my sisters, these three amazing young women. I am blessed to be their brother. I dont give a good god damn what someone who doesn't understand those words thinks.

I care about My Family, a family which includes many people, blood and not... and which when examined honestly is a strong and enviable clan.

You see, Family is a privilege... not a right.

It is something you fight for, not rail against.

In the end it is not something you are born to,  it is something that must be earned... and if you treat it badly and with contempt... it can be lost.

Emotional Logic

Posted by The Author , Tuesday, May 4, 2010 11:30 PM

[Reread the subj title and Embrace the Pic... ]

"I'm a dog, and I can smell your smell right through your clothes
And I espouse some views that you yourself just might not hold
Sometimes I am given pause to think when
I consider what we could call the good life"
*1

 In my last post I talked about evolutionary imperatives and certain ingrained responses. After letting a few days pass I still find that my words feel right. I still feel most of us spend our lives trying to deny certain gut instincts.  One might read that last post and these preceding words and assume that I was making excuses for inequities in the exhibited morals of the sexes. That would be to assume incorrectly.

"When it comes to the city versus the country life
Well, I must say that I far prefer a farmer's wife
Breakfast with the master in the morning
Feel the breeze and brush against a cow's leg - mmm!"


Instincts are useful for animals (and yes, I did say in the last post that we are animals. I will now say that we are not.) They can be useful for humans. The problem for humans is that we have graduated far enough past mere daily survival and species propagation (though it does always come back to that doesn't it?) that instincts often hinder just a bit more than they help. Today the ability to cope within a group and deny our basic instincts has become a cultural survival instinct rather than a primeval one.  Most of the primeval survival instincts for humans have been relegated to family legend and urban myth; A mother who fought off an attacker to keep her children safe, a sixth sense that kept one from entering a dark alley or the reflexes to quickly grab a child before they ran headlong into harm. Each of these are things we'd not likely be able to replicate even if we wished to (at least under "laboratory conditions"). They are not practiced; they come from another place. We often forget that we are born fearful of snakes and spiders as our great to the Nth ancestors were. No one taught us to fear them. We rarely discuss that the sound of a siren grabs our attention so because it mimics the pitch and tone of a screaming child.


"But it seems the thinkers you call greatest are
The sort who often fall ill young, or pine away
How can they help but drag the species down?"



Those aforementioned instincts can have positive effects on today's culture. They serve to keep others alive. The other instincts though, specifically the one's that drive men to roam, to make war on the "other" and to create a submissive populace come from a time when our animal selves sat in the driver's seat and (rightfully so) held sway over the future of our species. Technology has granted us the boon of a gray area. We can take care of all whom we choose now. We humans no longer live under the sharp blade of 'Survival of the Fittest'. On the contrary, we go to great lengths to take care of our old and handicapped. We've turned the corner on evolution and now take care of our own based on created "rights". We celebrate the right of one to exist and speak of "Humanity". This quality of humanity tells us to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves. This IS a good thing...

"There's some debate about whether instincts should be held in check
Well, I suppose that I'm a liberal in this respect
I can't say I liked Robinson Crusoe
But at least he didn't tie his dogs up at night"

All of these things directly correlate to our presumed relationship structure today. Culturally it is unacceptable for a man to roam. Unacceptable for him to attempt to "rule" his household. No longer can a man cuff his children and shush his wife. These are good changes.

If we are to stand behind all of our scholar's rhetoric, we must all create a miracle. We must ignore instinct and embrace a new mutually exclusive paradigm; Emotional Logic.

"But it seems the thinkers you call greatest are
The sort who often fall ill young, or pine away
How can they help but drag the species down?"

The right thing is not always the easy thing. The right thing does not always feel right at the outset. The right thing does not always benefit the group or the species... the right thing can sometimes lead to the detriment of the individual.

"How come all your poets fall into despondencies?
And then write it down for us to read every indignity?
Not such worthy specimens, these creatures
Hardly fit for what you could call the good life"

Should I mow the lawn or vacuum? Can I do both? Can I be the chef and pick up the kids from school or must I return each night and demand "quiet time" and a scotch? My Wife (capital "w" mind you!) is as much a professional (if not more, since I am so by experience and not education) as I am. Why in the name of all that is good and holy (a short list these days) should I assume that my day was harder? Why should I assume as a "Mother" that her role is more important? Or more accurately, more labor intensive?

[Side note: The Fact that I believe that certain aspects of the ten months spent in vitro are something that a father can never surpass or understand are another story]

It's not. Is it different? Certainly.  Men and women are different... nearly different species. But we DO love each other... we do NEED each other. We are however confused as hell. We need to wake up. We need to talk TO each other more and AT each other less.

We need to scale back our gender ego's and peel back the layers a bit to reveal that we are both just as scared as the other when it comes to the societal pressures placed open us. I am not my father. And you are not your mother, we must say to each other. We are us, and we must learn everything all over...

Just as our parents did.  So take a deep breath. Look him or her in the eye. And say... How you feel without blame. What you are scared of without fault. What you are willing to do to help without shame.


After all, it would only be emotionally logical.


*1(Lyrics in italics by Crash Test Dummies, by the way, the link this will take you to is that song, about a random dog I have never met... seemed to be a damn good dog though. :)