A Husband and Father

The word Obvious begins with "Oh!"

Posted by The Author , Friday, May 28, 2010 12:36 AM

[Please skip to the bottom and press play on the video, then read along]

To say that raising kids is a learning experience is to state the obvious. To further state that all kids are different, require different parenting styles and react differently to different stimuli, well... that is raising the duh factor to a new level. Kids are themselves learning how to react to the world. Something that scares a child one day might delight them the next. A favorite food which they must eat as often as possible might be deemed "Yucky" without warning and banished from their culinary lexicon.  Children are as complicated as they are fascinating, but with time and the proper tools (Patience and Observation to start) they can be easily civilized or at least tamed enough to mix with the general population.

Right?

I mean, hey, that was wisdom! Granted obvious wisdom, but come on, easy as one two three right? End of article... chalk one in the win column. That was what? One paragraph? A couple hundred words? Let's start printing it on diaper packages and we will all sleep a little better at night (or at least have quieter airplane rides). No charge...

But it's not that easy is it? I mean, even if you get your child figured out, learn their triggers, devise appropriate coping strategies and most importantly learn the difference between discipline and punishment... what was that you say? They are the same thing? I beg to differ.

"training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character"

"suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution "

 So, let's say you've got all your chops down. You can handle crying, you understand that sometimes a child just needs to express the feelings they are still learning about. Unlike us silly adults they haven't learned how to bottle it up and deal with it at the gym, with a glass of wine, on the golf course or through our favorite past time... blame. You pick your battles, you're firm but fair, you keep your word. You teach them to keep theirs. Etc...

There is one variable that you may not have mastered (one that I have not mastered)... Yourself.

As I may may mentioned in passing before, my job requires that I maintain a level of professionalism beyond reproach. At times I must be a hard disciplinarian to wild young men under very stressful situations. At others, counselor, father, protector or dare I say friend is required. I have attained the rank and been given the training to do these things and I enjoy the privilege of having the trust of my superiors to do what is needed to get my job done. I am backed by tradition, history and the honor of those who have gone before me to carry out my duties outside the bounds of written instruction, law or code.

I have remarked before to friends or family, especially those who have seen me on the job that I am a much different person in uniform as "The Chief" than I am in my personal life. I have likened donning my uniform as putting on my "Super Suit". I make no excuses, I do what needs to be done, I make things happen. I wish I could say the same in my personal life. Then again, when I am wearing my uniform people do what they are told. I have of course pondered the partitioning of personality.



Introspection:


I'll be the first person to mention that I am not perfect. I talk a good game, have a pretty good intellectual grasp of right and wrong... it's the application of those lessons that is the hard part. Tonight it was Open House at school. It was just as uncomfortable as usual and  I tormented myself over my own behavior until the kids were in bed and the wife and I could debrief each other on the evening. I thought that I had been a jerk. I thought that I was impatient. I thought that I had failed...

I had spent the entire ride home after dinner (we took separate cars) examining and condensing my feelings into a meaningful mea culpa.

I had worked out a few things, some I already knew... some that I hadn't yet put into words... They were like a puzzle... I had all the pieces, I just hadn't put them together to form a picture yet.

1. I don't like crowds
2. I'm uncomfortable in new social situations
3. Noise, especially crying and multiple voices aimed at me drive me batty
4. When I get 'stressed' I get hyper critical
5. I'm a dramatic needy b!tch

I'm sure that list could go on, I have other sensory issues but they don't impede parenting (I hate dirty hands... for example eating ribs, yeah, yeah, shut up)... but you get the picture. I felt like I had been making good headway on not letting my own feelings and failings impact my children too much... the sins of the father should not in my opinion be status quo for the daughter... But I felt like I failed tonight.

Then I got home and apologized to my wife for my behavior and did a bit of a shrug... and was told.

"I think you did great, much better than in the past, you were fine Honey..."

And suddenly I felt invigorated. Effort pays off. Not instant gratification, not perfection... but "Better than last time..."

Better than yesterday... I'm okay with that.

Enjoy the tune...